aaron Funny Status Messages

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   Kilometers are shorter than miles. So I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.

   When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.

   "Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs

   I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   Just moved the dog's bed to vacuum underneath and found a stack of pics of people's legs.

   I'm celebrating Egypt's freedom by eating the top of the food pyramid all day.

   Remember - with Valentine's Day only five days away, it's not too late to break up.

   Try something spontaneous today. Like combustion.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   Can't believe it's 2011 and I still can't serve my jail sentence online.

   Gonna steal one of those "No interest for 12 months" signs from a store...and hang it on my life.