SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   I have a suspicious package.

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.