lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."

   I had the right to remain silent...but I didn't have the ability.

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   I was asked if i'd volunteer for Comic Relief at work. All i'd have to do is wear funny clothes,answer the phone,write a few notes,chat and joke with others and eat junk food. Of course I said "Yes". Who wouldnt want to be like their boss for just one day

   I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.

   Yo mamma so fat that when she lays on the beach, Green Peace try to push her back into the water.

   ..after watching the Brit Awards,thinks that Cheryl has got to try,try,try,try,try to lip sync a bit better..

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   I dont care what they say. I think my third nipple is very attractive.

   "My wife had her driving test today. She got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear." Rodney Dangerfield.

   An unemployed clown is nobody's fool.

   Sign in Bar: "Low-cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."

   I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account

   God. I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   It's not an official disaster until Bono sings about it.

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.