Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

   Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

   "It's the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.

   If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   The only worse thing than 'the one that got away' is the one that won't leave me alone.

   I laugh at your claims to bravely take on a zombie apocalypse when most of you won't even stand up to a spider.

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning........ People only notice it because it's annoying.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.

   No modern civilization has ever been around that did not include alcohol and religion. Which ironally enough is why a lot of people drink religiously.