lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I sing,i put the cat in the front yard. That way,the neighbours can see it and know it's not being strangled.

   Cheryl Cole changed her relationship status to "single". 45 million people liked this.

   If they took all porn from the internet,all that would remain is a Facebook group called " Bring the Porn Back!"

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   If actions speak louder than words,then why can't I hear mimes?

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   The difference between divorce and legal seperation is that legal seperation gives a husband time to hide his money.

   My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.They kept fighting tooth and nail.

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   They say children brighten up the household. That's because they never turn out the ilghts.

   Weekends are like rainbows: they look great from a distance but seem to disappear when you get close to them.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   ..is in negotations with Vancouver. They're desperate for snow and she's sick of it.

   Everyone's days are numbered. It's called a calendar.

   They keep telling me that the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."