Funny Status Messages

   Maybe your final stage of healing is telling people to f*!k off.

   Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.

   There is sex without love, and there is love without sex. Then there is you, without both.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   Before social media, you could just forget that someone completely existed. Good times.

   Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.

   If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.

   I’m a well-rounded friend, I’m down for whatever. Coffee date, protesting corruption, gym sesh, bible study, busting a cheater, shooting range, just call me.

   If you wake up in the yard with no clothes on and you can't remember anything that happened, you are either a werewolf or you're in college.

   If they give you Mouse Ears at Disneyland, what do they give you at Dollywood?

   Am I crazy, or does Marjorie Taylor Greene look exactly like Dog the Bounty Hunter?

   Better and more accurate than any dating site: Ask her if she's on Will Smith or Chris Rock's side. If she says Will Smith, run away as fast as you can.

   My uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.

   If I choke to death on gummy bears I hope people will just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   Saw an ad for burial plots and thought this is the last thing I need.

   I'll never own a German Shepherd dog. Have you ever noticed how many of their owners go blind?

   Whoever said, “you can’t make this stuff up” obviously never worked at the Biden White House.

   We used to be young and carefree, and now we have a favorite cashier at the grocery store.

   Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.

   Another Monday. Aw, man. I don't know if I can do this. (Just practicing.)