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If my name was Mario, I'd end all my relationships with, "It's not you, It's-a me Mario!" 
If you stole a cigarette from your dad and he made you smoke a whole pack while he watched, I hope he never caught you stealing a Playboy.
I had a Chris Brown joke saved up but it looks like somebody already beat me to the punch.
If Hillary was President, Air Force One would be a Broomstick.
Nasty bumper sticker: My Kid Knocked Up Your Honor Student.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
I saw Lebron James before the game and I asked him for change for a dollar. He gave me 75 cents. I said "Where's the rest?" He said "I don't have a 4th quarter."
Which is creepier. Being in a bathroom stall and looking out through the crack in the door, you see someone looking back? Or looking into the stall and you see someone looking out?
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Why do your friends always wait until you breakup with someone to tell you that they thought they were ugly?
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Give me coffee or give me breath.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
If you’re going to hire a moving company, make them all play Tetris first and choose the one who gets the highest score.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
I was having breakfast at a friend's house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.
Listen,,, "You’re a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"
I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me. 