aaron Funny Status Messages

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

   Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   Neighbor asked if I knew anything about the clothes that were missing from his clothesline. I was so nervous I almost crapped his pants.

   How many 5 Hour Energy drinks do I need to take to live forever?

   I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

   You're only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!

   Go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. He'd be so freaked out that a baby is trying to murder him, you'll have the element of surprise.

   Only you can prevent forest fires, and last year there was over 70,000 of them. What the f**k man. We trusted you.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Do you know how much more gas mileage my car would get if it didn't have to haul my fat ass around?

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   Hey elderly people, nobody takes you seriously until you've put tennis balls on your walker.

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."