Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.

   I met a girl in the pub last night and we ended up back at my place. I didn't have a clue what I was getting myself into. So I politely asked her to shave it.

   wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.

   Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   You know when you are about to say something, but that little voice of reason prevents you from it? Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.