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These "Superhero" movies really crack me up when they reveal their secret identity to their girlfriend... As if the first fight they have she's NOT going to blast on Facebook "Peter Parker is an A$$hole and he's really Spiderman".... 
My last words on death row will be "Can we just get this over with? There are people I have to come back and haunt."
Twerking.. Always reminds me of a dog trying to shake the $h1t off themselves after they poop.
A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior
Simon Cowell is worse than cow dung and dog vomit combined.
Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....
Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.
I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.
My last words on death row will be "Thank you."
I want a restraining order against every spiders.
The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.
Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.
Ladies; You know, if you drink enough wine you don't even notice the spiders.
A good way to get your wife to listen to you is to talk to another woman.
Love is being someone's favorite confusion.
I get lots of pu$$y in my minivan. Maybe you're just driving yours wrong.
I don't pave the way for anybody. I pave the way for my damn self. 