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Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly. 
If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.
I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.
Nothing's a bigger turn off than a chick who pretends to be a sports fan. You either are or you aren't. Leave it be.
I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.
Ladies; Somewhere there's some weirdo rubbing his stinky nuts on your selfies.
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?
would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on I have this urge to rip my tv off the wall and throw it out the window and then run outside and set it on fire?
My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!
I may not have abs of steel, but I have overheard a lot of people whispering about my "rock bottom".
My morals are questionable??
If you love someone let them go, if they come back..... YOU leave, so that the "bleep" knows what it feels like. :)
would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on tv I wanna rip my tv off the wall and throw it out on my front lawn and then set fire to it?
Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.
Gas stations should have happy hour
It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..." 