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I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad. 
Wanna come over and watch porn on my 72 inch flat screen mirror?
Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God
Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster
Thinking that girl was special, then you realized that she's like that with everyone.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."
My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.
I'm the funniest person I know. I've got to meet more people.
Why do my Saturdays always seem to start with me looking for pants. Oh yeah, alcohol...
Ben Affleck is Batman. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Proves that comic books aren't gay, but movies are.
i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?
Lets be honest here. If Ben Affleck as Batman ruined your weekend, there wasn't much to ruin in the first place.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
Judging from the size of Popeye's forearms I'm guessing that Olive Oyl didn't put out much.
Do not walk before me; I may not follow. Do not walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't even walk beside me. Just leave me the hell alone.
My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." Right now I am getting called on the carpet in my Batman costume. 