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When I was kid, I was terrified of ear wigs because I thought they came out of your ears. Just imagine how scared I was when I heard about cockroaches. 
I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme box to work and sit in the break room and watch all the disappointed faces.
The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.
in England, "pounds" are money....im not fat, I'm rich
I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
If the way you talk to someone isn't the same as the way you talk about them, perhaps you should do neither
Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways
Your single but not looking... Oh your one of those chronic masturbators
Why was Tigger looking into the toilet. He was looking for Pooh
"I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."
I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town.
As long as I work with somebody named Mike, Wednesdays will never be boring.
The diamond ring on your finger says "married" but the reveling clothes you are wearing says "still looking."
I lost one of mom's Tupperware at work and now I'm looking for a new family to adopt me.
Reasons why Game of Thrones is better than Breaking Bad: 1) Titties. 2) Dragons. 3) Bro do you seriously need any more?
I wanna be the reason you hire a private investigator.
My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous! 