Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   This year for Halloween I'm handing out Chocolate & Caramel covered Onions. Halloween is fun.

   A salesman knocks on the door of a home, and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a burning cigar in one hand and half a bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Is your mom or dad home? " The boys says , "Does it look like it?"

   "Hurricane Sandy roars up the east coast generating 80mph winds and substantial precipitation." Big deal. Want to impress me? Stand directly in front of my GF after I come home drunk from the bar at 3am for more then 5 minutes.

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   Just saw a laundry soap advertisement showing how it can even remove dried up blood stains off of clothing. If you're clothing is covered in dried blood, I'm thinking that's not your biggest problem.

   Having mutual friends with someone does not mean you should add them on Facebook. It's like a stranger knocking on your door and saying, "Hey we both know Mike, John, and Sara. You mind if I come in?"

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.

   Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"

   Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?

   It's that time of year again. Scary decorations, terrifying advertising, and random people going door to door. Election season.

   Almost a billion dollars have been spent on campaign ads so far. It's a good thing our schools and economy are in great shape or I'd be mad.

   if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.

   If you never whined and begged your mom for a quarter to put in the trinket machine in the front of the grocery store and then ended up chasing a bouncy ball down isle 9 and knocking over a pyramid of potted meat then your childhood probably sucked.

   Ladies, it's common courtesy to let a guy know you're on your period before replying 'yes' to that "Lets chill" text.