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If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes 
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ''Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?''
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
I wonder If butterflies get humans in their belly????
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la
These kids on MasterChef Junior are incredible! I think I'm creative when I add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it's not arrived yet
Like if you have a healthy mind, unlike if you don't.
True friendship is when you walk into their house and your wifi connects automatically ;)
Only thing that's truly secular in the world is stupidity. It's found across all religion without fail.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Choose your ex wisely, they’ll be there for the rest of your life.
Honey, I let myself go and gained all this weight to prevent other men from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My birthday is coming up and I'm mostly just anxious about all the people on facebook who are about to pretend to like me.
I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.
You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.
Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.
There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars. 