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I always assume girls who wear ponytails love sucking d*ck. (I assume the same about guys with ponytails as well) 
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"
Why do all the women who intrigue me always live too far away and with their boyfriends and husbands?
My Doctor tried telling me I'm suffering from a split personality, I told him he was incorrect, as we're both just fine.
Men, women don't want to hear your opinion. They want to hear their opinion.....in a deeper voice.
Man if I don't get my ex back today thisis the 742nd last straw!
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE
My dad's TV volume is always set at "screw the neighbors".
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
How about A public washroom so nice,, that you don't have to flush the toilet with your foot.
gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
Personal Foul......Holding.......and Unsportsmanlike Conduct Sorry I get very competitive at "All You Can Eat Buffets."
How come whitening toothpaste doesn't turn your tounge white?
if you assume all people are crazy, the mystery of life would be solved.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
FYI: When each one of the Golden Girls died, the remaining ones gained their power,,, and now Betty White is an immortal highlander.
I got one of those 13.1 bumper stickers cuz that's how many wings I can eat in five minutes.
The disregard of tiny complex minds is the best response…. 