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I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up. 
BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)
TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"
Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas
If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'
Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?
Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming
I don't think it matters if a person is right-handed or left-handed, as long as they aren't under-handed.
Must be giraffe hunting season or something ....
Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.
I had a dream I was reading fun ny sta tuses, I woke up and there weren't any here anymore..... just recycled rubbish!
I once had a dream I was eating the world's worst tasing chocolate pudding...I woke up with a spoon in my ass.
If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.
Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.
Even though Halloween is meant to be about dressing up as scary evil monsters, people still complain if you go as Hitler
Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.
Can't believe 60 Minutes did a whole report on Benghazi w/out interviewing the jerk who's anti-Islam movie got some many people killed...
I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?
I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date 