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Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation. 
Divorce because consideration has an expiration date.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I knew this was going to be good stuff.
Shia LaBeouf sounds like something a french person would say after a rotten fart.
Put eyelashes on your car headlights so everyone knows you're out of your mind.
I think its safe to say we can blame every unsolved murder on adults that collect action figures.
if your panties aren't wet, then we never spoke!
Khloe, Kourtney, Kim Kardashian!..... The only KKK that will let black guys in
Dear Amish person reading this: Busted!
The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.
What should a woman do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter? The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying. "If you build it...they will come"?
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you're able to get away with.
I've yet to check the status of my Lotto ticket. My biggest fear is that for last five hours here at work, I've put up with unnecessary bull****
"That's not what I said. What I said was, if you like your spam, you can eat your spam. Period."
Congrats to Hacksaw Mike Duggan for Becoming Detroit's first white mayor in 40 years. Let the violence begin!
So, where's the reset button on this life thing?
Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.
Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?
You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink. 