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Just returned all of my liquor bottles and now I’m deciding between a vacation in Hawaii or the French Riviera 
White girls, show your parents how much you hate them by growing dreadlocks.
I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"
If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.
There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.
I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.
When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.
Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!
You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!
It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.
Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay
I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.
No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!
With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!
"Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. I told my aides to block access to "the FRIDGE", not "the BRIDGE."
Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs. 