doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes we must destroy something in order to rebuild it stronger, which is why drinking and liver regeneration are part of my regime.

   If you haven't celebrated Cinco de Mayo with a sink full of Mayo while each person bobbs for Mexican midgets than you are doing it wrong.

   It's a good thing most mens rooms have changing tables because sometimes I need to lay down after I poop.

   Salt-n-Pepa probably have salt-n-pepa pubes by now.

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   I think I'm going to start taking steroids. I don't care about muscles, I just want to be able to cross my legs more comfortably.

   They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside.

   pounding vicobeer at 11 in the morning!

   You say potato, I say Rocky Dennison.

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   If you don't purposely get face soap in your nostrils to blow bubbles, you're not as self entertained as me.

   If you ever actually see me smiling at my desk it means I'm stretching out my genit@ls into different animal shapes.

   Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for v@gin@.

   Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.