totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   Sorry ladies, no more Ding Dongs---and sorry fella's, no more Ho Ho's...R.I.P. Hostess! ツ

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!

   I can't really tell the difference between "water polo" or "marco polo", but I know neither one is very thrilling to watch on television. :/

   heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ