hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   Tonight I'm playing hard to get off the sofa.

   When picking a song to represent your relationship, go for something obscure in case you ever break up. Mine is the National Anthem of Peru.

   Speed remake idea: In this version you can't EXCEED 30mph, Keanu is an old Asian lady, the bus is the car ahead of me, and it's not a movie.

   Life is uncertain which is why every morning, before I leave for work, I hug my kids and whisper "avenge me.."

   Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   There are men in this world who have killed sharks with their bare hands. I can't even touch a picture of a bug in a book.

   Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.

   I don't know why we just don't take a bunch of nukes and level the middle east and those towel heads once and for all

   Wasn't able to sell our kitchen table on Craigslist, but we did get invited to 3 orgies and a donkey show

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   I bought a smart phone today. And it came with unlimited 'Staring at your phone to avoid contact with other people' minutes.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   facebook should have an "I've seen enough" button.

   I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me

   After 4 crappy cruises,Carnival Cruise Lines should just change their slogan to "Still better than the Titanic!!!"

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.

   I found a penny today and it reminded me of my ex...worthless and in everybody's pants.