Sarah Funny Status Messages

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, then I remember that I'm a woman.

   The tattoos in your shirtless profile pic say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'.

   My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math

   Guys like it when girls go commando, so I assassinated a Nicaraguan dictator.

   I named the spider in my kitchen 'Kris Kross' because it made me jump.

   I want a monster in my bed, not under it.

   I've got a lot of respect for born again Christian women. God bless you all. (One less slut out there for me to compete with.)

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   The only thing I want negative in my life is pregnancy tests.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.