RandomGirlie Funny Status Messages

   Before that van starts a'rockin, make sure that c*ck's got a stockin'!

   When the outcome of what I strive for is consistently determined by things completely out of my control, my give-a-damn reacts accordingly. I'm just sayin'...

   A lot of peeps these days have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B.

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   Next time you try to look hot in your profile pic, check the scenery. There's a dookie in the toilet behind you! Not hot!!!!

   The perfect work excuse: "Hello? Boss? Yes, I'm sorry, I will not be coming to work today. I'm having vision problems. I can't see myself coming to work today!"

   Dear Obama: a little diaper logic for you. If it stinks, change it....but you aren't supposed to replace it with another sh*tty one!!!

   Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?

   Winter is supposed to leave tomorrow, so he showed up early this morning, threw sh*t around, made me feel cold and desolate, and left his money shot all over my car. He must be related to my ex.

   Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kid pointed to his crotch all day and said "woody!"

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   S.H.I.T.: So Happy It's Thursday.

   If we really knew exactly what we were getting into when we decided to have kids, I'm pretty sure we'd be screwed as a species.

   Pirate first aid: If the wound is smaller than your fist, drink rum. If it's larger than your fist, stuff a parrot in it.

   To the assclown who was driving the Prius in front of me earlier: The interstate DOES NOT HAVE a left turn lane. Not sure why it took you 23 miles to figure this out....

   Dear Today, thank you for trying. I'm glad you're almost over. Love, X