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How can I get on one of these disappearing planes? 
It's all fun and games until someone breaks out the portable DNA testing kit.
I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
Thanks for the sex but next time can I participate?
Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That's in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food.
A selfie where your heart used to be.
Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.
Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say Oscar was on his stumps.
So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!! - Said no one, ever...
I find it very stressful that Smokey thinks that I’m the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don’t feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
FACT:There is no angry way to say ‘bubbles.’
I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.
Sorry I slow-clapped your breakup, couple sitting at the table next to me.
I'm capable of love but i'm also capable of diarrhea so it's back to square one with me
A good man is really hard to find.. When all you're looking for are the bad ones.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
You think your having a bad day until you see someone using a WIC voucher and buying a pregnnancy test at same time.
Dear Car in Front of Me: I'm not tailgating. I'm drafting.
Clearly, who ever said "more than a hand full is a waste" never have actually had their hand on more than a hand full. 