doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   its enough gravy when my plate looks like an infinty pool

   Never has there been so many energy drinks yet we've never been more tired.

   I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.

   It's nice finding people from our past. I'm still trying to find the girl from elementary school that couldn't stop sucking her thumb.

   I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   Of all the things I pictured happening to me today, accidentally giving myself a facial while m@turb@ting was no where on that list.

   I know I overdo goodbyes to the Ladies. They dont all have to end in a slow dance to "Careless Whisper".

   Dont be jealous of me... If you had to walk a mile in my shoes, you'd probably need a year of therapy