aaron Funny Status Messages

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   At a four way stop, it's obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.

   I only take half a vitamin because I haven't decided if I wanna live forever.

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   I am tormented at night by the idea that everything funny has been said

   Life can take you anywhere. And here we are.

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.