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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns and says to the other "Dam" 
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
If attacked by a bear you should play dead. If that doesn't work play "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". Bears love that song.
I scream. You scream. Others begin to scream frightened by our screaming. Panic ensues. Riots breakout... next time just ask for ice cream.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
new rule....everyone given a "life sentence" by a judge has to start racing NASCAR.....one of them will die fast
went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen
* Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
"NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..
Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me. 