SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.

   Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder to make an infant?

   "Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

   This girl I'm going out with tonight must be rich because she has one of those expensive cars that she can start just by blowing into a tube.

   Uh, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little faster or buy a belt. Thanks, homie.

   I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

   Life is like a dry handjob. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's enjoyable, most of the time it's hard, but mostly your just happy it keeps going.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.

   I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   If G0d is all-seeing, why doesn't He ever say, "Hey humans, you look nice today." Is an occasional compliment too much to ask?

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.