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What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations? 
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
If you left me alone with a monkey of average intelligence for half an hour, I could teach him to understand how a traffic merge works better than 70% of the human drivers on the road.
I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.
I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility...
I went to the dentist today and couldn't keep my big mouth shut.
I can't help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt...
There has been so much snow in Mass. that Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be an Eskimo
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form
I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.
Don't break somebody's heart. They only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of those.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
If you fart in public just yell "Jet Power!" and walk faster.
Women like taking boiling hot showers bec it reminds them were they came from , hell
We need a national conversation on why we think we need to have all these national conversations.
If you don't talk in a group chat for 5 minutes you miss 42 sets of plans and 56 arguments but if you say something you don't get a reply
My signature dance move is trying to unstick my balls from my leg.
Dog strollers are a thing if you were wondering where the trajectory of humanity is taking us.
I just want what Paula Abdul and that cartoon cat had.
If your girl ever says “tell me the truth and I won’t be mad” bro lie your ass off, cause she's lying her damn self 