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If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox. 
I'm at my most penguine when I'm trying to get from one bathroom to the next to get a roll of toilet paper.
Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?
The best part about being fat and old is that I'll never have to look back and see pictures of me in skinny jeans
I'm never drinking again, again.
Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever.
Its too bad I didn't win the Power Ball. I was really looking forward to buying three days of food from Whole Foods
I always keep a piece of paper with me incase someone tries to attack me with a rock.
If you ever see a "26.2" or "13.1" sticker on my truck window, report it stolen.
My favoritte thing that the caption of my high school varsity football team ever said to me was, "Would you like paper or plastic?"
The chances of me letting you merge into traffic are inversely proportional to the number of douch bag bumper stickers you have on your car.
Nobody thought to inject the blood of Benedict Cumberbatch to save Leonard Nimoy? Perhaps this is why I'm not a doctor...
I hope my Members Only jacket looks as good as Madonna does when its 80.
Its wierd how acceptable it is to put your genitals in someone else's mouth.
I love that video where Justin Bieber swings back and forth on a wrecking ball in his panties.
I wonder if Long John Silver was in it for the gold and glory or to have underwear and a crappy restaraunt named after him?
According to math, hindsite is 1
Women are like Algebra equations. Whatever you do on one side, you have to do to the other.
Second star to the right and straight on 'tilll morning! Rip Spock!!
For someone who can't put on a pair of panties without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day. 