lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I said to my girlfriend "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My girlfriend is slightly retarded." Oh,what fun I had.

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   The Old Lie: "The check is in the mail." The New Lie: "I haven't checked my email."

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   Thanks to the BP oil spill in the Gulf, fish oil capsule supplements will now come in 3 sizes. 500mg, 1000 mg, and 10-W-30.

   I gave Mr. Potato Head some weed.Before I knew it,he was baked.

   Teenagers express their burning desires to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   A good friend will take you to the hospital if you fall into a coma. A great friend will draw a mustache on you on the way.

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   Paddy and Murphy walking down the road when Paddy finds a mirror He looks at it and says, "I'm sure I've seen this man before!" and then passes it to Murphy. Murphy then says, "You stupid idiot! That's me!"

   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

   I went to Japan and got myself a discount prostitute. She love me moderate time.

   I felt sorry the hypnotist I saw last night He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot & yelled "F*ck me!".. What happened next will haunt me forever!

   Police found the device in a smoking Nissan Pathfinder. Thank God it was a Nissan. If it had been a Toyota, you know it would have blown up.

   That runaway oil well in the Gulf of Mexico continues to gush about 200,000 gallons of oil a day. To put that into perspective: That's the equivalent of about ten buckets of K.F.C.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised it didn't come with both arms raised.