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Kiss and make up is my favourite description of a Kiss concert 
An Apple fan walks into a bar and orders the same drink as yesterday but pays more.
Why doesn't my kitchen deliver?
I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.
A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.
Its okay Pluto, I'm not a planet either.
They tell me that exercise makes you look and feel better about yourself, to them I say, "So does alcohol"
I wonder if spiders get as pissed off as I do when I walk through their webs.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....
If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog
Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.
If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.
I got injured by a bull in Pamplona one time. It wasn't bad. He just grazed me.
The grapes of wrath is a fun way to describe a pissed off woman who's drunk on wine
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."
I'm not drunk, I just feel better.
Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"
I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.
If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen? 