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You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car. 
Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.
Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.
I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.
Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.
Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.
I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.
"19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.
Picture us in bed together.... Wrong.... try again, but with more empty bottles.
No.... I said I CAN keep a secret, not that WILL.
You guys know you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix, right?
"Shall we move this to the bedroom?" - Me, to snacks.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
This tequila tastes like my ex wants me to text her.
It's like my dad always says, "Stop calling me. I have another family now."
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If by "buns of Steele" you mean dented and rusty, then yes I do have buns of Steele
Whenever I want to lift my spirits, I use a shot of whiskey. 