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My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?" 
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."
You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...
We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...
If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident
*Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT
It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.
Breaking news: 50 Cent is looking to play a gig for Nickleback.
50 cent is broke wants to be called 5 cent now
Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"
If you think you're having a bad day just remember, at least you're not receiving death threats by one of the world most powerful drug lord.
Another day ruined by responsibly
My Man Crush Monday is: Obama. I hope a rock falls, and crushes his head.
50 cents files for bankruptcy. That's all he had to his name
So 50 Cent is all he's worth now?
If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.
May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....
I'm living in a drama-free bubble today.
people are so quick to tell a smoker that cigarettes killed their grandma. They leave out that she was 90 yrs old. Maybe that was part of the reason too. 