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I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together. 
Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."
Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!
Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you
So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate
Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.
•_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \
I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.
A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.
This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.
Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.
I never knew my mechanic was pshchic until he told me I blew a tranny in my car.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
I'm getting really tired of having to remind my wife she's happily married.
One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.
Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.
Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed
Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like. 