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Anyone know where the closest government funded fetal part auction is? 
My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.
maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk
My neighbour just overheard me asking "what's your problem?" to a cute little squirrel on my front lawn.
We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
ALEX TREBEK- This is the first man to climb Mount Everest... NORTH KOREAN GUY- Who is Kim Jong-il ... ALEX TREBEK- Stop saying that
Now patiently waiting for El Chapo from Mexico to send threats to hunter Dr Palmer... Maybe he's out of Data Minutes.
You seem like a nice person, are you lost?
A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean a martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
Argon and Neon walked into a bar and ordered drinks. The bartender said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here." They didn't react.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church admiring the stained glass. A priest walks up and says," We don't allow your kind of particle in here." The Higgs Boson replies, " But without me, you can't have mass."
Enjoy your last 24 hours before S̶k̶y̶n̶e̶t̶ Windows 10 ta̶k̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ is installed.
I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
It's cute how you all call them "weddings" instead of prison sentencings
Excuse me while I go slip into something more alcohol.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.
You know who else who waits 7 hours to reply to a text with "lol"? SATAN
Don't call each other BAE and act all surprised when that relationship doesn't go anywhere.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes
Bath tubs - 2, Houston's - 0. 