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I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch 
Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.
A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks
When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me
So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"
FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was
Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...
Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?
I cuddle on the first date.
Remember this weekend to help your girl relax by telling her she "needs to relax."
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
*First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
*wakes up from 2 year coma surrounded by friends & family Where's my phone?
My bucket list: ◻️ Beer ◻️ Ice
I give to charity, I don't recycle my aluminum cans and just throw them in the garbage. Not one homeless person in my area.
Saving Private Ryan, Interstellar and now The martian. How much money does America have to spend to keep saving Matt Damon's ass?
I'm not saying Putin is humiliating president Obama but the last time a Russian treated an African American this way, Apollo Creed died...
Never get attached to your coworkers. You might have to throw them at a deranged gunman someday
I tried holding the door open for a woman at the coffee shop this morning but she just kept yelling "close the door, I'm trying to pee in here!!". Some people are so ungrateful 