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WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE ......... WE HAVE ...... well, I'm not sure WHAT we have actually ....... it is Very Dark in here. 
Wow ........ turns out, any Room is a Panic Room .......... when you've had 5 Cups of Coffee and a Bran Muffin!
"And what kind of cheese do you want on that?".. My mom: "All of it?"
Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.
Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.
We are compensating for Global Warming by leaving the caps on plastic bottles...
See where Pistorius is released after one year to house arrest...wonder is he has to wear an ankle braclet.....
i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink
A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.
If you gonna tell me what to do, you should pay me for it. I dont do nothing for free.
N.A.S.A. found water on Mars. Good thing they didn't find oil otherwise Mars might become the first terrorist planet.
"You want proof that baseball players are smarter than football players? How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?" ~Jim Bouton
Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon
Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle.
Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear and jacket and tie and it can be formal.
I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
What's that called when out of the blue she asks you to squeeze her cantaloupes in the grocery?
dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Last night she told me my pick up lines are lame I'm never taking advices from a bartender named Isaac on a cruise ship ever again..
COP: Sir do you know how fast you were scrolling? 