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Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth 
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.
Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one
You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.
At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?
My safeword is Pineapple
My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .
This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.
I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.
My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.
I may not be great in bed, but I should at least get a participation medal after sex.
I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies
someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now
It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.
It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."
If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot” 