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My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache" 
I'm creative. *creates problems*
Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
a wheelchair is just grocery cart to a cannibal
Scrolling thru my feed it looks like an advertisement for Aqua fresh toothpaste.
Let me get this straight: The passports of the 9/11 terrorists, of those on the MH17, and of one of the Paris bombers - all survived! I don't know about you but I think it's time we started making clothes out of passports!
The hardest part of any relationship is when it's not your turn to talk.
don't let her cry her way outta the argument. she's an adult. you can yell at her through the tears. be strong, bro.
Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.
Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.
Before Facebook, I used to write this stuff on slips of paper and put them in the pockets of unsold pants at Old Navy.
We prayed for France and Lebanon now let's take a moment of silence and Pray for Ronda Rousey 🙏🏼🙏🏼
No one knows you better than your browser.
Don't roll your eyes at me. We aren't married yet.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
BEER BATTERED FISH: Still don't understand how beating it with a can of beer makes it taste any better.
Im starting to get alarmed at the rate which Facebook keeps bringing up things from my past
Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !
Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up. 