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If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex 
Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!
There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.
Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.
When a girl likes you, everything you tweet has the potential to piss her off.
If I don't respond to your 1st text, it's not an invitation to text me again... With your basic ass
When someone I don't like texts me, I send their text back. I don't want that sh*t.
JIMMY CARTER KIM: finally someone who President Carter is more embarrassed about being associated with than his goofy looking brother Billy.
I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.
Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves
You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.
You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.
Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.
Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero
Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?
How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?
Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you! 