doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   Alcohol does kill brain cells. As a kid I could name all the dinosaurs. Now I can name maybe three, and I'm not even sure armadillos count.

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   How do I get my android to stop taking pictures of my crotch everytime I achieve arousal?

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   thinking about smashing my face through this screen and becoming Seal for Halloween

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   If you block me, don't be surprised if you look out your window to see me making out with your garden gnome.

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   Ok, I cant take it anymore. Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   Tonight I saw a man pull the stick from his corn dog and eat it without the stick. It was me. I did that. I am capable of anything.

   I am not an alcoholic... I have an alcohol fetish.

   Can I still call it mimosa if its in a flask?