KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   They say a still tounge makes a wise head. I say an active tongue gives good head.

   I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn't dilute in the shower.

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   Ladies; Don't be a woman with teenage problems!

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   You can make a lot of friends with a prescription pad.

   I put the you in murder!

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   Oh, let's play that love game where you ignore me constantly and it kills me inside, then I start ignoring you too and it gets your attention!

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Coffee is not my cup of tea.

   Getting older means telling the grocery store checker the full story behind every item you buy.

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   that show "Intervention" should just be called "Haters"