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This pepper spray feels like no really meant no 
Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.
At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.
"Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion
A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.
I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.
I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.
Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽
My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,
I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.
A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?
The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.
I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.
I just tried on my birthday suit. It is stretched out of shape an covered in hair.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy.
"Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi
Christmas. It's been a long 2 1/2 months.
I hate being sick at Christmas. My wife says I'm not sick, but I was just jacking it while looking at a picture of a fat nun pissing on a hot schools girl. How is that not sick. 