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MARY: I'm worried Joe,, I found 4 bottles of wine in his room... JOSEPH: They were just water when he went in there, I'll have a talk with him.... *from upstairs* YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD 
[dog on trial for murder]... Lawyer: Who's a good boy?... Dog: I am... Lawyer: Your honor, I rest my case....
Does Dunkin Donuts make a body spray?... *Asking for a friend..
Bernie Sanders says feel the Bern but it's really Bengay
Did Bernie Sanders wander off from the nursing home again?
Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.
I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
Hillary : I think it's time for a woman in the Oval Office. Bill: To late.
My cat probably thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream...
Thankfully, my Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty pay.
People who try to test my patience don't realize it's an exam I don't plan on passing
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story.
If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.
So it seems Serena Williams continues to live inside Maria Sharapova's head rent-free.
Bernie Sanders need to start drinking decaffeinated coffee.
Bernie, Bernie, oh Bernie Sanders....he's such an angry old man who needs his medication.
I'm going to hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer's.
Look on the bright side, Hillary. Nelson Mandela did get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.
Anyone planning on watching Lucifer tonight? Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the new TV show on Fox, I'm talking about Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Town Hall debate on CNN.
I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . . 