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WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb] 
Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy
How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?
My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.
Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.
*horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .
If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.
We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.
Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce
“We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Admit it, we all have that special someone we'd visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I don't want to be friends with someone any longer. Do I lend them money, or tell them how I really feel about their spouse?
Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Bernie Sanders is proof that the Vietnam war took America's Best and Brightest
I apologize a lot for someone who is always right.
In a final selfless gesture, Abe Vigoda will be donating his ear hair to Locks Of Love.
[knights of the wobbly table].... "Can we get some more napkins over here?" 