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Hillary Clinton announced she has joined Instagram to help with her campain ..... . Meanwhile .... Bernie Sanders joined telegram. 
Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.
Most people my age are older than me.
..... The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
How come when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
..... Hmmmm ...... Whay are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling equals 1 light year
What one person receives without working for .... another person must work for without receiving
If there's a woman out there who wants to $exually harass me, let me know.. I will message you my cell # . . .
If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My daughter just asked me about evolution in line at Walmart.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.
Netflix and panic attack?
How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
I'm going to deliberately run into a car with a Coexist bumper sticker just to test their tolerance.
If an FB post offends you, maybe check your conscience.
Why is it that when you get a woman pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations" but nobody ever rubs your junk and says "good job"?
I think the Dowager Countess of Grantham should run for President. 