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Thank you Facebook for the friends day video I just deleted 99% of my Facebook "so called friends" 
[restaurant] *chef slams block of cheese down on plate... Me: But… Chef: Look, This is the best cheese in the world. It doesn't get any grater
ME: Hi Mom,,, Please come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time, you're not at a sleepover... You're married.
DETECTIVE: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL !!! ME: Who?? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head just turned 270°
Good to see Brian Williams back on TV all these years after he pulled me from the rubble on 9/11.
Nobody remembers who came in second. Bernie who.....?
Bernie Sanders Drinking Game: Every time Bernie mentions a free government program you drink someone else's beer.
In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.
If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?
You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
If I drank decaf coffee I'd be one of those girls that doesn't swallow, too.
Nothing says ego trip like knowing you're completely unqualified yet still running for president.
You had me at let's get something to eat..
"My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed
i am taking the pit bull and the points in the puppy bowl
I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.
Me: *Nibbles first on a breast,,,, Gently kisses a thigh.... KFC Manager: Sir, please stop narrating out loud. Thank you & enjoy your chicken.
*Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!
I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist. 