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Cute but Psycho: That is a funny way to spell "woman". 
Restrooms in the future: 1. Men 2. Women 3. Selfies
Remember when you were 12 and were like "I can't wait to be older" and now you're older and your like "I hate my life, I want to cry everyday." LOL. Good times.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they're special.
Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.
I want dogs to be allowed at more places and I want children under 8 to not be.
"Earth" without "Art" is just "Eh".
A blue whale's fart bubbles are large enough to enclose a horse. Yeah...think about that for a moment.
I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
Do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think "I better not die listening to this song"?
You may have been drunk before, but you haven't been lightsaber fighting in the street at 2 am drunk.
Facebook needs a special button for those who are sick of cartoonists making fun of short T-Rex arms.
How does Ted Cruz always look both happy and sad? "I like lasagna but it's not what I ordered", his face says.
My wife's snoring was so bad, I woke up and thought my buddies came over on their Harleys.
I don't mind when people exercise their right to free speech, but I'd prefer they'd exercise their right to remain silent.
Are you having a mental relationship with a celebrity who doesn't even know you exist?
I drive safer when there's food on the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there.
Valentines: Someday you will meet that amazing person who just gets you. And they won't text you back either.
You ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend 1 month in the hospital.
Rest In Peace Dinosaurs!!! Can"t Believe it 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts. 